Complicatethis

PERHAPS THIS YEAR IT'LL BE A DIFFERENT KIND OF HAPPINESS.

Easy. It used to be easier, when things were more difficult.

Three years ago, law school was life.  Everyday I woke up with some feelings of fear - fear of the future, fear of the impending uncertainty, fear that I'd find a new wrinkle by my eye or an stubborn gray hair on my head. The day-to-day hours-on-end reading assignments, the two-a-year exams that alone determined our grade, the constant pressure to do well, to have a voice and a presence, and to fit in while attracting only the right attention...things like that were enough to make life hell for me.

But hell was so easy when among and against all that chaos stood a sturdy anchor, a pair of strong shoulders, a reassuring embrace, a person who loved me. He was my only constant, day in and day out. I was in a loving and dependable relationship. On days when it rained outside or the morning was too cold, he would wake up earlier than usual to take me to school. On the way we'd stop by McDonald's or Starbucks so I could pick up my usual egg-and-cheese biscuit breakfast or favorite winter latte. Throughout the day, my phone would go off buzzing at the most inopportune moments from his texts. The "I miss you's" and "I love you's" were redundant but never got old. And the best were the random updates on what he was doing at a given moment, a stupid joke he found online, or what mischievous ruckus the dog had gotten herself into. Oh he loved texting me about the dog. Then there were the fights. We fought a lot via texts as well. *sigh* those were fun.

Nostalgia, you're right, is what this sounds like and in fact, is. It came so suddenly and quickly intensified as I'm sitting here remembering how easy that difficult life used to be during the holidays. A Christmas movie is playing on TV in the background - I'm hearing all the jolly sounds of Christmas and I know it's a happy movie, but I have no idea what the title is. To be honest, I don't really care to press the button to find out.

Life now is so much easier - the fears from those uncertain times have respectively dissolved with a good job, a house, a good set of friends, and you know, a nice sense of stability. I'm not waking up every morning worrying about shaming my family or not having a successful career anymore. The wrinkles are gone and the hair shines with a more confident smile. In fact, I think I smile a lot more now.

But the Holiday air, though crisp and so full of life even in November, feels a bit more difficult to breathe. This house resents the fact that there's only one set of feet that walks its carpet, only one voice that echos through its walls, and only one bedroom where the light is lit, yet only half the bed is warm.

I'm sitting on this bed now, cup half empty yet heart half full when I tell myself to be patient, and think about what's to come. I might sound sad but I'm not crying. In fact I'm smiling. I know how lucky I am, and I'm thankful. I'm happy.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way," some lady on TV is singing. The feeling one gets from this song, is what I won't have this holiday season, and didn't have last year's, or the year before's.  All I can hope for, is a different kind of happiness. And please, let it come soon.

::RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A LONELY NIGHT::

I miss writing.  But lately I just can't seem to find it within myself to utter anything meaningful or worth sharing. Life has become really really dull as of late, and I'm not sure how.  As with many bloggers I need to feel inspired, and right now inspiration for me is synonymous with a big fat NOTHING.

Life before a month and a half ago was warm, sunny, and welcoming.  Life then was home - my beloved Raleigh, North Carolina.  As I'm sitting here writing this, my heart aches to know what my parents are doing, what my two dear nephews have been learning lately, and how my sweet American Eskimo, Yuki, is doing.  My Dad is probably watching the news on the Vietnamese channel and nodding off in his favorite recliner in the basement... That chair always makes him look so small, almost like a child.  Standing 5'4" and having reached 67 years of age, his used-to-be strong good looks has definitely paid heavy dues to life's tough challenges.  I imagine my Mom already in bed, probably thinking about her children, probably mostly me.  She's been battling with chronic back pain for decades, and finally had surgery 3 weeks ago.  She calls me everyday sometimes just to say that she's thinking about me.  Why I'm tearing up now as I realize this and didn't in the moment she called, I'm not sure. I miss her so much...I think I will call her later to tell her that.

Life now happens here in Chicago, Illinois, the Windy City, where it's winter 5 months out of the year.  Temperature has been steadily in the 20's and 30's, some days with rain, some days with snow, and almost everyday with the kind of wind that feels like a thousand needles poking at your flesh.  Having lived in Vietnam and North Carolina all my life, this calls for a major adjustment to say the least, and I've been struggling with exactly that since January 28, 2011.  Having said that, Chicago is truly a great city.  I've got to spend only so much time getting to know its culture and history, but I can see how so many people appreciate living here despite its harsh winters.  I can only hope that when Spring comes, so will a sense of hope and a change of heart in me.  I'm having a hard time, but I'm learning to see things in a positive light.  My apartment sits on the 8th floor of a mid-rise building in the heart of Gold Coast, so it gives me a pretty intimate view of Chicagoland.   I have, however, been keeping my blinds closed.

Maybe it's time for me to open them.  But first, I will call my Mom.

 

A FATHER'S WISDOM.

"Be mindful of what you think, for thoughts become words; of what you say, for words become actions; of how you act, for actions become habits; of your habits, for habits become character. And know your character, for character becomes fate."  -- Words of wisdom from a man I call Dad.