Easy. It used to be easier, when things were more difficult.
Three years ago, law school was life. Everyday I woke up with some feelings of fear - fear of the future, fear of the impending uncertainty, fear that I'd find a new wrinkle by my eye or an stubborn gray hair on my head. The day-to-day hours-on-end reading assignments, the two-a-year exams that alone determined our grade, the constant pressure to do well, to have a voice and a presence, and to fit in while attracting only the right attention...things like that were enough to make life hell for me.
But hell was so easy when among and against all that chaos stood a sturdy anchor, a pair of strong shoulders, a reassuring embrace, a person who loved me. He was my only constant, day in and day out. I was in a loving and dependable relationship. On days when it rained outside or the morning was too cold, he would wake up earlier than usual to take me to school. On the way we'd stop by McDonald's or Starbucks so I could pick up my usual egg-and-cheese biscuit breakfast or favorite winter latte. Throughout the day, my phone would go off buzzing at the most inopportune moments from his texts. The "I miss you's" and "I love you's" were redundant but never got old. And the best were the random updates on what he was doing at a given moment, a stupid joke he found online, or what mischievous ruckus the dog had gotten herself into. Oh he loved texting me about the dog. Then there were the fights. We fought a lot via texts as well. *sigh* those were fun.
Nostalgia, you're right, is what this sounds like and in fact, is. It came so suddenly and quickly intensified as I'm sitting here remembering how easy that difficult life used to be during the holidays. A Christmas movie is playing on TV in the background - I'm hearing all the jolly sounds of Christmas and I know it's a happy movie, but I have no idea what the title is. To be honest, I don't really care to press the button to find out.
Life now is so much easier - the fears from those uncertain times have respectively dissolved with a good job, a house, a good set of friends, and you know, a nice sense of stability. I'm not waking up every morning worrying about shaming my family or not having a successful career anymore. The wrinkles are gone and the hair shines with a more confident smile. In fact, I think I smile a lot more now.
But the Holiday air, though crisp and so full of life even in November, feels a bit more difficult to breathe. This house resents the fact that there's only one set of feet that walks its carpet, only one voice that echos through its walls, and only one bedroom where the light is lit, yet only half the bed is warm.
I'm sitting on this bed now, cup half empty yet heart half full when I tell myself to be patient, and think about what's to come. I might sound sad but I'm not crying. In fact I'm smiling. I know how lucky I am, and I'm thankful. I'm happy.
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way," some lady on TV is singing. The feeling one gets from this song, is what I won't have this holiday season, and didn't have last year's, or the year before's. All I can hope for, is a different kind of happiness. And please, let it come soon.
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